Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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