Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
