Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize