I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
