just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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