I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
