sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
