Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
