I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
