Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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