70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
