i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
