id be glad to
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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