My sheets look like a crime scene.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
