oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just threw up on my dentist
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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