He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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