mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
