I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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