i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
