I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
