You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
