Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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