Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Rumble strips road head = magical
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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