Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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