God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize