i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
