she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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