Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
