Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
