Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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