Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
sex in a hospital.. check
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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