The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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