i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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