between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize