I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
