Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How external is "for external use only"?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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