dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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