Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
