look no pants
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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