I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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