did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
