She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
