Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
