We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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