I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
