nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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