YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
