My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
