the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
