I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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