now i know why i became what i already was.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
