Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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