When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
