well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
