I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
