Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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