true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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