I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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