hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
